Love

After attending Hearts at Home this weekend and listening to all the amazing speakers, I was truly moved.  However, it was the final speaker that I heard on Saturday that reaffirmed why I do what I do, even if those that are "closest" to me don't see it that way.

Since I was in college, I always knew that once I had children I wanted to stay at home and raise them.  I didn't want MY children to be raised in childcare.  Now, don't get me wrong, staying at home is not for everyone.  It is hard work and can be trying at times.  But, I saw how much of an advantage I had growing up staying home with my mom that I knew deep down I wanted to be able to give my children the same opportunities in life as well.  I also knew that staying home and watching my children grow in their early years was something I would NEVER be able to get back.  I could always go back to school and get my masters, jobs would be waiting for me later in life, retirement could be started later if necessary.  But, I could NEVER get back the years of raising my kids.  Being a teacher would only allow me to have a few weeks a year with the kids and summers.  That is not what I wanted for my kids.  I got to the point where I took being a stay-at-home mom for granted, and didn't count my blessings enough.  Now, here I sit, struggling to find a job so I can support my children and myself adequately and make sure that I have health insurance so I can be sure I am healthy at all times to take care of my boys. 

It is now that I realize that even though I wasn't FORMALLY paid for my job (like some people believe is of utmost importance), being a mom is a REAL job, career....profession.  I felt like because my "job" was being a full-time stay at home mom that my kids were to always be placed first, then my husband, then everyone else....then myself.  I put so much of my personal value on WHO my children were and who they were becoming that I was beginning to have my self-worth in them.  I also placed a lot of my own self-worth in my husband and how he treated me.  I then placed a lot of my energy on making sure that my family (kids and husband) were always taken care of...and almost always put myself and needs on the back burner.  This ended up becoming my own demise.


Jill Savage talking about revolutionizing motherhood.  She talked about why it is important to be a wife first....mother second.... and now that I am no longer a "wife", I can see WHY she says this.    Value is not based or defined upon kids' behavior, or if our husband believes we are beautiful, etc but SHOULD be based upon God.  Period.  He should be the one we stand firm on because you can't always guarantee that your husband will be around forever (I am living proof of this) and eventually your kids will move on with their lives and have their own lives.  One never has to worry if God will leave us because He never does, thus why we should find our value in Him.  We should all love more like God.... unconditionally.

Love is a choice; not a feeling.  We each choose whether we are going to love God or not.  We don't physically know him (if you know what I mean) unlike our children or our spouse.  Love is a decision and to love without ceasing HAS to be a decision.  This goes for loving our children and spouse when each is unlovely.  the same goes for God as well; you have to choose to love him.  What does love mean to you?  Is it a verb or is it a noun?  Allow me to explain...

Love, immature love at that, is a noun.  It is purely the feeling of love.  What will someone do for us?  It's about how one feels.  It's about how you feel; how someone else "makes you feel".  It demands our own way and expects others to serve us.  We expect to feel "in love", to get those warm fuzzy feelings that we get when it is new and hasn't quite been developed, fostered, etc.  It is something we long for.  An expectation of what someone else will do for us.  This goes along with finding our own value in our kids (me especially).   Many expect their kids to make them feel worthy, even though their self worth should be coming from within and from above.  This feeling of love is short lived, kind of like puppy love.  No relationship can sustain in this stage.  Just like if you continue to find your worth in your children, when they leave at 18, where are you going to find your worth at then?

Mature love is an action; it is a verb.  It is something we CHOOSE to do, even when we don't want to.  We make the daily decision to love our children, even when they pour 5 lbs of flour on the floor, or can't wait for dinner and get into the spaghetti sauce thus getting it all over the freshly cleaned floor. 

Below are some examples I found that Jill spoke of about love:

• Love as a noun spent all last week wondering what your spouse was going to do for you for Valentine’s Day.  Love as a verb spent all last week preparing your expression of love for your spouse.  
• Love as a noun feels despair when you no longer feel “in love” with the person you are married to. Love as a verb understands the ebb and flow of feelings.  It focuses more on expressing love than feeling love.
• Love as a noun demands its own way.  Love as a verb works to understand differences and is open to new ways of doing things.

• Love as a noun finds faults in others.  Love as a verb gives grace and forgiveness.
• Love as a noun expects others to serve them.  Love as a verb serves freely.
• Love as a noun expects to always feel warm and fuzzy and “in love.”  Love as a verb realizes that often we have to choose to love even when we don’t feel like it.

Love is counterintuitive.  LOTS of times we don't feel like loving.  A spouse sat around while you frantically got ready for a party.  Your child went off on you because you wouldn't extend curfew.  These are just a few examples of when we may not feel like loving.  Yet, in order to get to the right action, we push through those feelings and show love even though we may not feel it right then.  In order to show love, one must use actions. 

Love is unconditional, as is God's love.  He will love you regardless of the decisions you make.  This has to go for your children, and your spouse.  This is something that I came to understand this summer.  Despite all the crappy things my husband said to me, did to me or didn't say or do, I still loved him.  Why??  Because when I stood at that alter, in front of family, friends, and most importantly God, I vowed to love him unconditionally.  That I would help push through any storm, to help him figure out any problem... to stand by his side regardless.  Yes, there are always stipulations within this,  However, isn't this how we love our children?

See, we vow to love our children this way despite whatever each may do.  But, as soon as your spouse does something or fails to do something, we are no longer acting lovingly....loving as a verb.  Yet the same thing happens to God.  We love him and show we love him whenever things are going well but as soon as things head south, we get mad and our faith and commitment in him starts to waiver.  We need to revolutionize the way we love our family, our spouses, ourselves.....  revolutionize the way we love our family with one small thing at a time; one right choice at a time. 

Revolutionizing mothering means accepting God's love for us.  We each need to live a Godly life~ not just a religious one or saying we go to church and expect that to be all because that's not what it's about.  And, while we are doing all this we need to remember the scripture that says love is patient, love is kind.... and replace those words with "GOD is love, GOD is patient, GOD is kind" because isn't He truly all of these things to us.... even we ourselves, even we mothers.........when we ourselves aren't lovable?  Doesn't he show us His love, even when we are on our nastiest worst day EVER?

Thanks Jill Savage for revolutionizing my heart and mind this weekend.......

What if I......

Have you ever thought to yourself, "what would happen if I died tomorrow?" To tell you the truth, I pray that doesn't happen! I am not ready on so many levels. To begin with, I had been saying FOR YEARS that we needed to get a will in line in the event something happened to both of us. Needless to say, that never happened and I should have taken that upon myself to do (along with everything else in life and marriage.) Every time I would attempt to talk about it, my efforts would be pushed aside and ignored. I wish now I wouldn't have listened. Although the kids' college is taken care of and has been for quite some time (at least the kids won't have to worry about that!), I know have to worry about who is going to take care of my kids in the event that I die, now that I am their sole legal guardian. It frightens me to think who in the world is going to be raising my kids in the event that I die. There is NO way on earth that I would EVER want my children taught morals or anything of importance by the 2 wayward people and their families. Don't know about the other party, but I can see (and have seen for the last year) how his actions are similar to that of a drug addict. (don't believe me... do a search of how affairs affect the brain.)

At any time when a medical issue arises and the uncertainty is weighing on a person, usually the first thing that is pondered is death. Now, I do realize that I am more likely to die in a car accident tomorrow than I am to drop dead of a heart attack. However, whenever the term "cancer" is brought up, that is typically the first thing that a person wonders is, "am I going to be able to survive?" I know women worry about this all the time, especially when it comes to breast cancer. Any time anything in that area is found, typically the first fear is "do I have cancer?" I am no different.

So, I as sat the other day in the waiting room after my barrage of tests, I kind of saw my life flash before my eyes and I realized just how NOT ready I am in the event that I were to die, say this week, this month or maybe even this year. Then the fear struck me again. Had I have gone through this, say, a year and a half ago, I don't think I would have the same kind of fears. At least at that point, I would have had a husband who would be able to help with the kids when needed (and wasn't a jerk at that point and ultimately cared about his family), help take care of me when I am sick, take me to appointments and offer support (and would have most likely been sitting in that waiting room with me for support), and be able to be there at 2 am when I would wake up crying because I was scared to death.

Nope... the reality is this is 2011 and my husband walked out on my kids and I for another woman. The reality is I was facing all of this alone. Yes, I had family and friends to help me through but it is a far cry different than having the person who VOWED to be there in sickness and in health, etc. So here I am, facing possible sickness, and that vow was broken long ago. Kind of a hard pill to swallow... and a selfish thing on his behalf at that. The reality is that now this other woman has the support that I once had. She now has my husband (well, by law he is still my husband) to offer HER support at 2 am when she needs it because he now lives with her. He is now there to offer her support she needs at any time she needs it. She has someone there to take care of her when she is sick, to help take care of her sick kids, to go with her to scary, nerve wracking doctor appointments. And there I sat, scared shitless, alone. And that was probably the first time in the last year I felt most alone out of all of this.

No, I am not looking for a pity party but at that point in time, I was not only scared about the inevitable results I was waiting to receive but I was now angry. I was probably more angry than I had ever been in a very long time. Than the sonographer came back and said the radiologist had my results from the scans they had just done. As I stood up, she asked me, "is your husband waiting for you in the other waiting room?" I started bawling and she didn't know what to say. That was when I had to suck it up and look at her and say, "no. My husband left for another woman. I am going this alone." She gave me a shoulder hug and walked me to his office.

I walked in the room and had a seat, composed myself back to the strong, hard ass woman I have grown to become again. Then he walked in with a smile on his face. I thought either this is one sick and twisted guy or he is just trying to make me feel better. That was when he told me that right now "it" doesn't "appear" to be malignant. I said well that's good to know but what the hell is it. He said that when I scheduled my appointment with my doctor to go over all the test results, we would discuss what the next step would be in figuring it out. BUT... he said that it didn't appear to look cancerous and that should relieve my fears a bit. So, I thanked him, gathered my things and walked out. In a way I was relieved but yet, I was still angry.

I should not have been expected to sit through all of these tests by myself and comfort myself. I should have had my husband there to offer support and reassure me. But, no.... the one person who promised to be there became selfish well over a year ago and decided that he didn't like his life and instead of working on making it what he wanted, he found someone else that he THINKS will make him happy, and give him the life he wants. He once said that he was happy when it was just our oldest child. So, I guess when our second came, he was no longer happy. Well, I hope now that he isn't a full time father to these 2 that he is happy since it seems that he was unhappy before as their full time father. In the meantime, his kids have now resorted to a less than part time father who never calls and a feeling of abandonment that counselors said may follow them (well, at least the oldest one) for the rest of their lives since he is so young. And in the mean time, I also have to deal with my own feelings of what I am experiencing, in addition to what my children are going through and all of the other things that go along with being a single parent and divorced homeowner. Now, I also have health to worry about.

So, needless to say, that even though whatever it is doesn't appear to be malignant, I am still going to get my ass in gear and get the stuff that needs to be in line for my boys done now. I was the only one worried about it before but now it seems to have become a matter of priority and importance for my own sanity and piece of mind. I have to get it done because the children are ultimately MY responsibility and really only mine. I have to look out for my children and make sure that their lives will always be in order, even if I am not here.

Wacky Wednesday

In celebration of Dr. Seuss' birthday, my oldest's school had Wacky Wednesday! Each student was to bring in a stuffed animal, a book, and dress in their WACKIEST. Well, boy did my child show up wacky. He had an appt this morning and I made him dress normal for that, come home and change and then I allowed him to go to school. this child wore a plaid short sleeved button up shirt, Thomas the train pj pants, Hawaiian style swim trunks, a snow boot, and a tennis shoe. It was soo much fun to see all the children dressed up "wacked out" as one of the kids told me. It really gave me a good laugh and reminded me of one reason why I missed being in the classroom.

In other news this week, I forgot to introduce the newest member of our family!!! His name is Finneus, fins for short, and he is such good boy! He hardly makes a mess, stays contained in one area, I never hear a peep out of him and he doesn't cost an arm and a leg to feed (unlike my 2 boys!) Yes, we got a fish, a Betta to be exact. The kids love him. Alex goes up and talks to him on a regular basis. The day we put him in his bowl, ryan wanted to take him for a walk around the house to "show him around". They really enjoy the responsibility of having a pet so we will see how long this lasts!

I am doing something right in my life!

I was kind of convicted today over something my 5 year old said to me the other day and I was overcome with pride that this was in fact MY child saying it.

I had been talking to my 5 year old over and over again to get ready for school, stop messing around... you know, the usual stuff. I had told him, "if you don't start listening to my instructions, I am going to send you to your room until you are ready to listen." So, 5 minutes later he still wasn't listening so what did I do? I followed through. He went to his room. I was kind of worried because I didn't hear any moaning or belly aching about it. I let him go and I answered a phone call.

Well, after about 10 minutes, I was still on the phone and then noticed his bedroom door was closed and I heard the vacuum going. I went back and knocked on the door and he told me not to come in. I figured he was vacuuming his room so I wasn't about to tell him to stop. I walked away and went in to start making lunch.

After a few minutes he came out and asked me to come back to his room. I walked back there and entered the boys' room, and there he stood with this huge grin on his face and he was so excited! He said "look... I cleaned up my room and I vacuumed!" I gave him the praise he deserved and then he looked at me and said, "mommy, I did all of this to serve God."

How awesome is THAT?! something is going right in my life right now... and this little boy is living proof. Praise to the man upstairs....

Oil and water

As you may or may not know, I have become quite the "bible study" person as of late. I am currently in THREE, yes three bible studies. I do have to admit that these have been the BEST thing for my life, and that of my boys. They have kept me grounded and in search for the answer and true meaning in life. One of the things that I currently battle with on a regular basis is selfishness. No, not my selfishness (although yes, I have been known to be selfish on occasion...we all have) but the ultimate selfish actions of others (and no names will be mentioned!)

One thing I have definitely come to realize is how selfishness and love do NOT go together. They mix about as well as oil and water. They simply can't mix. Selfishness is solely focused on how you can satisfy yourself... only YOU. When one is selfish, the only thing a person can think about is, "what do I need?", "I am not happy about (blank)." "I want this." "I want that." Do you see the pattern and the use of a certain pronoun? That's right....selfishness is all about I, or me. Love, on the other hand, is focused on pleasing others. One is always thinking, "what can I do for SOMEONE ELSE?" Yes, everyone can be selfish in their own time. We are human....everyone makes mistakes. There are things in life you HAVE to be selfish about. However, I recently read that pride and selfishness go hand-in-hand because they are both self-centered and that selfishness is infectious.

Infectious I thought? Well, after I thought about it for a while, it made sense! Total sense. When a person is selfish, they only worry about how you can satisfy yourself. Well, if you are a person who is always worried about what you can do for yourself, you aren't worried about what you can do for others (how you can LOVE others). When you focus on what you need for yourself and aren't meeting the needs of someone else, that person then goes into the survival mode and then become selfish because they have to worry about meeting their own specific needs. And from there, it snow balls. I see it with my own kids all the time. If I encourage to love and serve the other child, they are acting out of LOVE and not selfishness. They are helping the other child and worrying about the needs of the other child as well as their own. (Cleaning up toys comes to mind at this moment.) The more I encourgage them to help the other and show more love, the less tension there is in our house. Therefore, if one person is selfish and full of pride, it is likely that they will spread the "disease" of selfishness and pride to those around and that will cause tension.

Have you ever thought about how you feel when you extend love to a person? What kind of feeling do you have? If you are like me, you have a warm feeling knowing that you did good for someone else or that you helped someone out in a positive way. What kind of feeling do you get when you are selfish? You definitely don't feel love, or like you love others. This again..... love is what you can do for others and NOT what you can do for yourself! God views people who are selfish and prideful as wicked and He will not know them as these two characteristics produce strife and disharmony with God, and others (I read this somewhere).

When a person is selfish, what typically becomes the normal behavior? They reproduce those selfish acts over, and over, and over again. Not always the same thing BUT it ALWAYS has the same outcome. What it will do for ME. The proud people will place more honor on themselves than what they do for God. I feel that life should be about how to honor GOD, not ourselves. And, when we choose to honor ourselves, and not God, bad things come of it and we end up doing the things that we know we shouldn't be doing in life. In other words, we become selfish because the honor is on ME... and not on God.

THIS ultimately is where most of us go wrong. Selfishness becomes self-destructive. It eats away at our being and causes us to do things that we KNOW we shouldn't do, and ultimately would never have done previously. In the Bible in Mark 8:36-37, "And how does a man benefit if he gains the whole world and loses his soul in the process? For is anything worth more than his soul?" What good is it to gain everything that we "think" we want in life if we lose who we are and lose our soul along the way? If we lose our soul, are we even the same person than we once were? No, I don't think so because without your soul, you are no one.

Wanting what it is that YOU want, instead of what GOD wants for us, is at the heart of most problems between people. Unfortunately, often times the people we are most selfish with are those who are closest to us, namely our spouse. Often times, people get married because the other person "makes me happy". Uh, is this not a selfish statement? James 4:3. "And even when you do ask you don't get it because your whole aim is wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure." This sort of goes along with it.... you want it because it gives YOU pleasure and you want out of the marriage what is BEST for YOU and how it makes YOU feel. What it should be about is what is best for US and how we both will feel. How can I serve my spouse and show love? It should not be, how can my spouse show me love and make me feel. This often times is how we feel and we are looking for that other person to make us feel loved..... not make us feel happy.... because we ourselves aren't happy with who we are individually. so instead of looking inward (and upward) to feel happiness, we reach OUTWARD to another to make us feel what we are missing inside.

I have learned through my reading that most of the time, if we want to feel loved, we ourselves have to SHOW love to others. However, you will always run into those selfish people who you will ultimately show love to and not be selfish and yet that person will ultimately be selfish. Meaning, that person will not extend love back to you or think about how they can serve you.... only about serving himself/herself, coming full circle back to being selfish. God wants us to serve others.... and be unselfish.

My continued goal coming up is to figure out how I can ultimately show love to others and not act out of selfishness. If you want to be loved, you yourself have to LOVE others.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

So I had said that blogging was going to become a new normal for me. Haha... yeah. Here I sit 3 months later and I haven't blogged since.

I joined a group called Divorcecare. It meets once a week and it consists of all people who have gone through a divorce or are going through a divorce. I do have to say it is an incredible group of people and a Godsend on so many levels. Last weeks topic was depression and almost every person affected by divorce deals with depression to some extent. This week's topic was loneliness. that was an incredibly difficult topic to deal with. fNot only does one deal with loneliness on a daily basis from losing a spouse (unless of course you left your spouse for "greener grass") but you also grapple with the feeling of loneliness when your kids are gone. I deal with that on the weekends my kids aren't here. Since I am doing it alone now, most of my weekends are spent catching up on school work, house work, laundry, shopping, bills, work in the garage, etc. It is an incredibly hard place to be suffering, especially if the decision to separate wasn't a mutual one (as in my case). But that's not the purpose of today's post.

It is hard that here I sit EXACTLY 8 months to the day from when the boys and I were walked out on. He contends that he walked out on me, not the boys, but every other person has agreed that when he left me, he left the boys and all his familial responsibilities as well. It will be 8 months tomorrow from discovery day (even though I had suspected it all along). As people found out about what happened, and also who the relationship was with, so many people offered love and support, friendship, kept me busy, etc. I made a lot of new "friends".... or so I thought. As time went on, the support also seemed to move on too. That was a very hard thing to handle because as I time went on, I still needed support, just support in different areas.

I went from needing support of being left and finding out my husband had cheated on me with a close friend and accepting it, to finding out more details about their relationship, to filing for divorce (even though I didn't want to), to watching both adulterers' families accept the other person into the family and eventually him moving into her house. When you lose support at various levels, it makes life that much more difficult. People that you have come to rely on don't offer support like they used to. When that happens, it is like a piece of you disappears along with it too. It forms sort of a hole, or emptiness inside, that you again feel like you are dealing with everything alone again. Thus bringing on a new piece of loneliness to the equation.

It then begins to feel like loneliness is all around you. You are lonely because your spouse left. Lonely because you don't have your kids like you used to (and forget about my talking about holidays... that makes me mad in itself.) Lonely (to SOME extent)because you now have half of your family gone (your in-laws) because their loyalty remains with their blood (even though I was once told that I would always be considered part of the family. Hard to believe that when you weren't treated like that from the beginning.) Lonely because you have lost friends who were friends with you and did things with you and your spouse. Lonely because your own friends now almost view you as damaged because you are now divorced. Lonely because you no longer go out as much as you used to because most of the time it was with couple friends. Lonely because your friends now steer away from you because they are afraid to be around you and don't know what to say you due to your situation. Many are afraid to be around you because they now know that too easily the same thing could happen to them. Lonely because you feel that in many ways God even left you. The weird thing about loneliness is you can be in a room full of people, but yet you still feel completely alone. When you get to the point where I am and knowing that not many people have gone through it nor do they understand, you feel very alone.

The hardest part of loneliness I believe is knowing that friendships and other relationships that were formed are now gone thanks to the selfish act of 2 people. 2 selfish and immature people. It is hard to deal with this loss because the loneliness you now feel inside is not only from losing your spouse and mate, but losing so much of your life as you knew it. All of that creates an empty place inside....especially when you feel like you are being tossed aside like yesterday's garbage time and time again. But, something someone reminded me is that even though I feel lonely, I can almost guarantee that the perpetrators feel lonely as well.

In many ways, I have grown closer to God. I have had to I think. I have had to ask for prayers, guidance, protection, and even help. But, when God doesn't answer your prayers or things don't work out quite like YOU want them to, you feel like God has left you. I was reminded during my women's bible study that too often we want to control our own destiny but we have no control over it. That is all up to God and HIS plan. I do understand that THIS situation is NOT part of God's plan but someone else's. God hates divorce and he would NEVER encourage a man or woman to go after another person's spouse. Adultery is one of the BIGGEST sins in the commandment. Anyway, I should realize that God is always there no matter what so there is no need to be lonely. As one of the pastors I listen to frequently reminds us that God is always saying, "I've got this." I need to put my trust in Him more to realize that loneliness is only what you make of it. You can either wallow in self-pity and wonder why this happened to me and be miserable (yes, I battle that on a regular basis) OR you can take the bull by the horns and look at the opportunity before you and get out there and have fun and do something for yourself.

Here goes nothing.......

So I deleted my past blogs and have decided to start fresh. This new spin to my blog is going to be about my adventure of becoming a single, divorced mother of 2 boys and how we are moving through life. Most importantly, how I am dealing with things in my life.

So a bit of history..... my "husband" and I separated in June of this year. Originally, I thought he was just going to clear his head for a bit but then the bomb shell came. I have been busting my butt since March, basically when all aspects of our marriage and life were shut down, trying to figure out what was going on and figure out ways to improve our marriage and ensure that my family would remain together. In the end, it doesn't appear this is going to happen. You can't work on a marriage alone, just like you can't make a person want to stay in your family. After months of contemplation and disappointment, hurt, deceit, betrayal, and agony, I decided that I needed to let go. I filed for divorce. Now, I am NOT a person who believes in divorce. I married for life... divorce was NEVER an option. But after visiting an attorney, and a few counselors, I was basically told that I was myself going down a path that I didn't want to go down mentally and emotionally and I had to figure out a way to keep myself together for my kids. I didn't want my kids to end up with 2 parents in the gutter. I had to take control of MY life, and that of my kids. I had remained strong for so many months and was treated worse than I could have EVER imagined in my entire life.

While we have been separated, I was able to step back and examine our marriage. It appears for quite some time, I was the only one investing in our marriage and family. I was the only one doing things for the other, the only one planning outings and dates, and I was the one who took care of EVERY single detail in our family and marriage.....except I was not the bread winner. I worked from home taking care of our family and kids, and also taking care of other kids during the day as well to help pay the bills. But, I was responsible for everything.... and I now see how this beat me down in the end and was drowning me. I couldn't keep my head above water, was burnt out, stressed out, and depressed. Now, we are not sure what caused the depression because I also have hypothyroidism that was found out about the same time and the 2 tend to go hand in hand.

In the past almost 5 mos, I have read book after book about marriages, listened to books on CD, talked with pastors and priests, gone to counseling, tried marriage counseling. ...... nothing seemed to work. The reason it didn't work? The other party didn't seem to have any interest in making it work. I have been a single parent for over 4 mos, have had a house to take care of alone that was left in disarray and many things not fixed in years, bills and finances managed alone (while the other party just removed money from our checking account as needed) After 13 years together, almost 7 years of marriage, 3 homes, 3 pregnancies, 2 children and a world full of memories.... I decided to cut my losses. I couldn't do it any more. I couldn't continue to be the only one who wanted a marriage and was trying to be honest and loyal, not to mention faithful (I know the grass doesn't really look greener on the other side)...... It was when I stepped back and looked that I realized... I've been carrying the weight all along. There wasn't any team work b/c I was the only one trying. I was the one leading our family as well as doing everything else.

Now, don't get me wrong.... I was, and am, NOT perfect. Nor am I am an easy person to live with. I like things done a certain way and when I get overwhelmed, I tend to let stuff go. (Uh, you should see my desk....) When I get stressed at the end of the day, I did snap and I often got angry. I often took my stress out on "The Giant".... I think it was b/c I was reaching out for someone to just take over. I was always the adult... I had all the responsibility and much of the stress. Being the mature one often sucks b/c you are the ultimate one left with responsibility day in and out. So here I sat stressed and depressed only to have The Giant tell me that he needed time to focus on himself and figure out his feelings. BAM! Marriage shut down. The end. Just no nails in the coffin.... yet.

From then on, that's when the secrecy started. Texting non stop, secret phone calls, not sleeping at night, leaving for hours on end and not saying where it was he was going, 3 am garden weeding and walks around the neighborhood, severe mood swings and depression, drastic weight loss, excessive exercising, dramatic change in eating habits and foods, distancing himself from myself (and the kids), not wanting to do things together as a family or as a married couple (on ANY level), lies, fighting, and abuse on several different levels. I no longer was getting affection, words of affirmation... no more good nights or kisses before bed. No more coming to bed with me. No more calls during the day or texts to see how our family's day was going or calls stating he was on his way home. The biggest clue in everything was the 5k we had signed up to run (which he had trained for with the "other woman"). I finished the 5k after him, ran to the finish... and he was nowhere to be seen to cheer me on. Nope.... he was across the stadium "stretching" with her. He even missed his son learning to ride his bike. That was something I had to teach....bc he was so distracted with his secret life that he didn't have the time. He wasn't even interested in seeing his son ride his bike the day he learned how. As a matter of fact, he was over an hour late coming home b/c of him leading his secret life. That was March until June. And the lies just keep on coming. Now, I had my suspicions about what was going on and had confided in a few friends, as well as The Giant's own mother. I had even suspected an emotional affair..... which is what it WAS.

I was told for months you didn't meet my needs, you yell, you are always negative, the house is a wreck, the kids are out of control, I am not in love with you any longer, you criticize my weight loss (sorry if saying "you suck" jokingly b/c you lost 10 lbs and I lost 2 is a put down), you sit around "down" all the time.... it was like a slap in the face... a wake up call. Hello mom... you are depressed.... and I had been depressed for a LONG time b/c it wasn't just within the last few months this had happened. It went on for a few years. But, none of these signs were ever brought to my attention. When you are depressed, you don't see what you are doing or how you are acting. The depression takes over your body and you become a completely different person. The Giant just thought I was turning into a "bi$%h".... nope, I was sick. By the time we found this out, it was already too late. He was already involved with another woman, and all that time had indeed been shutting me out. And the put downs.... were almost like justification for what it was he was doing behind my back. I was continually told "you continue to yell at me" (or at him). Well, hello?! I was being lied to and betrayed.... I knew it.... and knew it for soooooooo long. If you knew your spouse was running around behind your back, would you yell at that person as well b/c you knew you were being lied to???? I had even asked a few times in those 3 mos b/c I saw the signs... left and right. But, all I could do was sit back, and wait for it to all unravel. And, it did.

So, here I sit...... I am moving on with my life. I have done a lot of reflecting on life and that is probably what my upcoming posts will be about.... how I have changed as a person, the things I have learned about myself.... etc.

If i haven't bored you to tears already, check back as I hope to make this my journal about how I got from living and growing into an adult with another person to living life as a single person....and parent. It is sure to be a bumpy ride.. I am sure.