Have you ever thought to yourself, "what would happen if I died tomorrow?" To tell you the truth, I pray that doesn't happen! I am not ready on so many levels. To begin with, I had been saying FOR YEARS that we needed to get a will in line in the event something happened to both of us. Needless to say, that never happened and I should have taken that upon myself to do (along with everything else in life and marriage.) Every time I would attempt to talk about it, my efforts would be pushed aside and ignored. I wish now I wouldn't have listened. Although the kids' college is taken care of and has been for quite some time (at least the kids won't have to worry about that!), I know have to worry about who is going to take care of my kids in the event that I die, now that I am their sole legal guardian. It frightens me to think who in the world is going to be raising my kids in the event that I die. There is NO way on earth that I would EVER want my children taught morals or anything of importance by the 2 wayward people and their families. Don't know about the other party, but I can see (and have seen for the last year) how his actions are similar to that of a drug addict. (don't believe me... do a search of how affairs affect the brain.)
At any time when a medical issue arises and the uncertainty is weighing on a person, usually the first thing that is pondered is death. Now, I do realize that I am more likely to die in a car accident tomorrow than I am to drop dead of a heart attack. However, whenever the term "cancer" is brought up, that is typically the first thing that a person wonders is, "am I going to be able to survive?" I know women worry about this all the time, especially when it comes to breast cancer. Any time anything in that area is found, typically the first fear is "do I have cancer?" I am no different.
So, I as sat the other day in the waiting room after my barrage of tests, I kind of saw my life flash before my eyes and I realized just how NOT ready I am in the event that I were to die, say this week, this month or maybe even this year. Then the fear struck me again. Had I have gone through this, say, a year and a half ago, I don't think I would have the same kind of fears. At least at that point, I would have had a husband who would be able to help with the kids when needed (and wasn't a jerk at that point and ultimately cared about his family), help take care of me when I am sick, take me to appointments and offer support (and would have most likely been sitting in that waiting room with me for support), and be able to be there at 2 am when I would wake up crying because I was scared to death.
Nope... the reality is this is 2011 and my husband walked out on my kids and I for another woman. The reality is I was facing all of this alone. Yes, I had family and friends to help me through but it is a far cry different than having the person who VOWED to be there in sickness and in health, etc. So here I am, facing possible sickness, and that vow was broken long ago. Kind of a hard pill to swallow... and a selfish thing on his behalf at that. The reality is that now this other woman has the support that I once had. She now has my husband (well, by law he is still my husband) to offer HER support at 2 am when she needs it because he now lives with her. He is now there to offer her support she needs at any time she needs it. She has someone there to take care of her when she is sick, to help take care of her sick kids, to go with her to scary, nerve wracking doctor appointments. And there I sat, scared shitless, alone. And that was probably the first time in the last year I felt most alone out of all of this.
No, I am not looking for a pity party but at that point in time, I was not only scared about the inevitable results I was waiting to receive but I was now angry. I was probably more angry than I had ever been in a very long time. Than the sonographer came back and said the radiologist had my results from the scans they had just done. As I stood up, she asked me, "is your husband waiting for you in the other waiting room?" I started bawling and she didn't know what to say. That was when I had to suck it up and look at her and say, "no. My husband left for another woman. I am going this alone." She gave me a shoulder hug and walked me to his office.
I walked in the room and had a seat, composed myself back to the strong, hard ass woman I have grown to become again. Then he walked in with a smile on his face. I thought either this is one sick and twisted guy or he is just trying to make me feel better. That was when he told me that right now "it" doesn't "appear" to be malignant. I said well that's good to know but what the hell is it. He said that when I scheduled my appointment with my doctor to go over all the test results, we would discuss what the next step would be in figuring it out. BUT... he said that it didn't appear to look cancerous and that should relieve my fears a bit. So, I thanked him, gathered my things and walked out. In a way I was relieved but yet, I was still angry.
I should not have been expected to sit through all of these tests by myself and comfort myself. I should have had my husband there to offer support and reassure me. But, no.... the one person who promised to be there became selfish well over a year ago and decided that he didn't like his life and instead of working on making it what he wanted, he found someone else that he THINKS will make him happy, and give him the life he wants. He once said that he was happy when it was just our oldest child. So, I guess when our second came, he was no longer happy. Well, I hope now that he isn't a full time father to these 2 that he is happy since it seems that he was unhappy before as their full time father. In the meantime, his kids have now resorted to a less than part time father who never calls and a feeling of abandonment that counselors said may follow them (well, at least the oldest one) for the rest of their lives since he is so young. And in the mean time, I also have to deal with my own feelings of what I am experiencing, in addition to what my children are going through and all of the other things that go along with being a single parent and divorced homeowner. Now, I also have health to worry about.
So, needless to say, that even though whatever it is doesn't appear to be malignant, I am still going to get my ass in gear and get the stuff that needs to be in line for my boys done now. I was the only one worried about it before but now it seems to have become a matter of priority and importance for my own sanity and piece of mind. I have to get it done because the children are ultimately MY responsibility and really only mine. I have to look out for my children and make sure that their lives will always be in order, even if I am not here.
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