So I had said that blogging was going to become a new normal for me. Haha... yeah. Here I sit 3 months later and I haven't blogged since.

I joined a group called Divorcecare. It meets once a week and it consists of all people who have gone through a divorce or are going through a divorce. I do have to say it is an incredible group of people and a Godsend on so many levels. Last weeks topic was depression and almost every person affected by divorce deals with depression to some extent. This week's topic was loneliness. that was an incredibly difficult topic to deal with. fNot only does one deal with loneliness on a daily basis from losing a spouse (unless of course you left your spouse for "greener grass") but you also grapple with the feeling of loneliness when your kids are gone. I deal with that on the weekends my kids aren't here. Since I am doing it alone now, most of my weekends are spent catching up on school work, house work, laundry, shopping, bills, work in the garage, etc. It is an incredibly hard place to be suffering, especially if the decision to separate wasn't a mutual one (as in my case). But that's not the purpose of today's post.

It is hard that here I sit EXACTLY 8 months to the day from when the boys and I were walked out on. He contends that he walked out on me, not the boys, but every other person has agreed that when he left me, he left the boys and all his familial responsibilities as well. It will be 8 months tomorrow from discovery day (even though I had suspected it all along). As people found out about what happened, and also who the relationship was with, so many people offered love and support, friendship, kept me busy, etc. I made a lot of new "friends".... or so I thought. As time went on, the support also seemed to move on too. That was a very hard thing to handle because as I time went on, I still needed support, just support in different areas.

I went from needing support of being left and finding out my husband had cheated on me with a close friend and accepting it, to finding out more details about their relationship, to filing for divorce (even though I didn't want to), to watching both adulterers' families accept the other person into the family and eventually him moving into her house. When you lose support at various levels, it makes life that much more difficult. People that you have come to rely on don't offer support like they used to. When that happens, it is like a piece of you disappears along with it too. It forms sort of a hole, or emptiness inside, that you again feel like you are dealing with everything alone again. Thus bringing on a new piece of loneliness to the equation.

It then begins to feel like loneliness is all around you. You are lonely because your spouse left. Lonely because you don't have your kids like you used to (and forget about my talking about holidays... that makes me mad in itself.) Lonely (to SOME extent)because you now have half of your family gone (your in-laws) because their loyalty remains with their blood (even though I was once told that I would always be considered part of the family. Hard to believe that when you weren't treated like that from the beginning.) Lonely because you have lost friends who were friends with you and did things with you and your spouse. Lonely because your own friends now almost view you as damaged because you are now divorced. Lonely because you no longer go out as much as you used to because most of the time it was with couple friends. Lonely because your friends now steer away from you because they are afraid to be around you and don't know what to say you due to your situation. Many are afraid to be around you because they now know that too easily the same thing could happen to them. Lonely because you feel that in many ways God even left you. The weird thing about loneliness is you can be in a room full of people, but yet you still feel completely alone. When you get to the point where I am and knowing that not many people have gone through it nor do they understand, you feel very alone.

The hardest part of loneliness I believe is knowing that friendships and other relationships that were formed are now gone thanks to the selfish act of 2 people. 2 selfish and immature people. It is hard to deal with this loss because the loneliness you now feel inside is not only from losing your spouse and mate, but losing so much of your life as you knew it. All of that creates an empty place inside....especially when you feel like you are being tossed aside like yesterday's garbage time and time again. But, something someone reminded me is that even though I feel lonely, I can almost guarantee that the perpetrators feel lonely as well.

In many ways, I have grown closer to God. I have had to I think. I have had to ask for prayers, guidance, protection, and even help. But, when God doesn't answer your prayers or things don't work out quite like YOU want them to, you feel like God has left you. I was reminded during my women's bible study that too often we want to control our own destiny but we have no control over it. That is all up to God and HIS plan. I do understand that THIS situation is NOT part of God's plan but someone else's. God hates divorce and he would NEVER encourage a man or woman to go after another person's spouse. Adultery is one of the BIGGEST sins in the commandment. Anyway, I should realize that God is always there no matter what so there is no need to be lonely. As one of the pastors I listen to frequently reminds us that God is always saying, "I've got this." I need to put my trust in Him more to realize that loneliness is only what you make of it. You can either wallow in self-pity and wonder why this happened to me and be miserable (yes, I battle that on a regular basis) OR you can take the bull by the horns and look at the opportunity before you and get out there and have fun and do something for yourself.