So I deleted my past blogs and have decided to start fresh. This new spin to my blog is going to be about my adventure of becoming a single, divorced mother of 2 boys and how we are moving through life. Most importantly, how I am dealing with things in my life.
So a bit of history..... my "husband" and I separated in June of this year. Originally, I thought he was just going to clear his head for a bit but then the bomb shell came. I have been busting my butt since March, basically when all aspects of our marriage and life were shut down, trying to figure out what was going on and figure out ways to improve our marriage and ensure that my family would remain together. In the end, it doesn't appear this is going to happen. You can't work on a marriage alone, just like you can't make a person want to stay in your family. After months of contemplation and disappointment, hurt, deceit, betrayal, and agony, I decided that I needed to let go. I filed for divorce. Now, I am NOT a person who believes in divorce. I married for life... divorce was NEVER an option. But after visiting an attorney, and a few counselors, I was basically told that I was myself going down a path that I didn't want to go down mentally and emotionally and I had to figure out a way to keep myself together for my kids. I didn't want my kids to end up with 2 parents in the gutter. I had to take control of MY life, and that of my kids. I had remained strong for so many months and was treated worse than I could have EVER imagined in my entire life.
While we have been separated, I was able to step back and examine our marriage. It appears for quite some time, I was the only one investing in our marriage and family. I was the only one doing things for the other, the only one planning outings and dates, and I was the one who took care of EVERY single detail in our family and marriage.....except I was not the bread winner. I worked from home taking care of our family and kids, and also taking care of other kids during the day as well to help pay the bills. But, I was responsible for everything.... and I now see how this beat me down in the end and was drowning me. I couldn't keep my head above water, was burnt out, stressed out, and depressed. Now, we are not sure what caused the depression because I also have hypothyroidism that was found out about the same time and the 2 tend to go hand in hand.
In the past almost 5 mos, I have read book after book about marriages, listened to books on CD, talked with pastors and priests, gone to counseling, tried marriage counseling. ...... nothing seemed to work. The reason it didn't work? The other party didn't seem to have any interest in making it work. I have been a single parent for over 4 mos, have had a house to take care of alone that was left in disarray and many things not fixed in years, bills and finances managed alone (while the other party just removed money from our checking account as needed) After 13 years together, almost 7 years of marriage, 3 homes, 3 pregnancies, 2 children and a world full of memories.... I decided to cut my losses. I couldn't do it any more. I couldn't continue to be the only one who wanted a marriage and was trying to be honest and loyal, not to mention faithful (I know the grass doesn't really look greener on the other side)...... It was when I stepped back and looked that I realized... I've been carrying the weight all along. There wasn't any team work b/c I was the only one trying. I was the one leading our family as well as doing everything else.
Now, don't get me wrong.... I was, and am, NOT perfect. Nor am I am an easy person to live with. I like things done a certain way and when I get overwhelmed, I tend to let stuff go. (Uh, you should see my desk....) When I get stressed at the end of the day, I did snap and I often got angry. I often took my stress out on "The Giant".... I think it was b/c I was reaching out for someone to just take over. I was always the adult... I had all the responsibility and much of the stress. Being the mature one often sucks b/c you are the ultimate one left with responsibility day in and out. So here I sat stressed and depressed only to have The Giant tell me that he needed time to focus on himself and figure out his feelings. BAM! Marriage shut down. The end. Just no nails in the coffin.... yet.
From then on, that's when the secrecy started. Texting non stop, secret phone calls, not sleeping at night, leaving for hours on end and not saying where it was he was going, 3 am garden weeding and walks around the neighborhood, severe mood swings and depression, drastic weight loss, excessive exercising, dramatic change in eating habits and foods, distancing himself from myself (and the kids), not wanting to do things together as a family or as a married couple (on ANY level), lies, fighting, and abuse on several different levels. I no longer was getting affection, words of affirmation... no more good nights or kisses before bed. No more coming to bed with me. No more calls during the day or texts to see how our family's day was going or calls stating he was on his way home. The biggest clue in everything was the 5k we had signed up to run (which he had trained for with the "other woman"). I finished the 5k after him, ran to the finish... and he was nowhere to be seen to cheer me on. Nope.... he was across the stadium "stretching" with her. He even missed his son learning to ride his bike. That was something I had to teach....bc he was so distracted with his secret life that he didn't have the time. He wasn't even interested in seeing his son ride his bike the day he learned how. As a matter of fact, he was over an hour late coming home b/c of him leading his secret life. That was March until June. And the lies just keep on coming. Now, I had my suspicions about what was going on and had confided in a few friends, as well as The Giant's own mother. I had even suspected an emotional affair..... which is what it WAS.
I was told for months you didn't meet my needs, you yell, you are always negative, the house is a wreck, the kids are out of control, I am not in love with you any longer, you criticize my weight loss (sorry if saying "you suck" jokingly b/c you lost 10 lbs and I lost 2 is a put down), you sit around "down" all the time.... it was like a slap in the face... a wake up call. Hello mom... you are depressed.... and I had been depressed for a LONG time b/c it wasn't just within the last few months this had happened. It went on for a few years. But, none of these signs were ever brought to my attention. When you are depressed, you don't see what you are doing or how you are acting. The depression takes over your body and you become a completely different person. The Giant just thought I was turning into a "bi$%h".... nope, I was sick. By the time we found this out, it was already too late. He was already involved with another woman, and all that time had indeed been shutting me out. And the put downs.... were almost like justification for what it was he was doing behind my back. I was continually told "you continue to yell at me" (or at him). Well, hello?! I was being lied to and betrayed.... I knew it.... and knew it for soooooooo long. If you knew your spouse was running around behind your back, would you yell at that person as well b/c you knew you were being lied to???? I had even asked a few times in those 3 mos b/c I saw the signs... left and right. But, all I could do was sit back, and wait for it to all unravel. And, it did.
So, here I sit...... I am moving on with my life. I have done a lot of reflecting on life and that is probably what my upcoming posts will be about.... how I have changed as a person, the things I have learned about myself.... etc.
If i haven't bored you to tears already, check back as I hope to make this my journal about how I got from living and growing into an adult with another person to living life as a single person....and parent. It is sure to be a bumpy ride.. I am sure.
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